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This Is The Worst Christmas Song Of All Time

Author Jonathan Wier
I think I have officially found the worst Christmas song ever...and Mariah Carey isn't involved

It’s already that time of year again when the airwaves are overtaken like tiny hamlets in the distance by the onrushing horde of jingle bell driven melodies from Mariah Carey and Michel Buble leaving them ruined smoking husks of their former selves.

Mariah Carey

Hello I’m Mariah Carey, and I’ve come out of my cryogenic slumber to deliver my seasonal siren song

In other words IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME YA’LL!

And if you, like me, are tired of hearing the same old same old Christmas songs over and over again then may I suggest a beautiful haunting ballad from the 1970s called “An Old Fashioned Christmas (Daddy’s Home). It’s the tale of a family at Christmas preparing the house with garland and cheer awaiting the arrival of the man of the house.

Here is a sample of the lyrics:

“Look outside, the snow is falling, what a sight to see
Daddy will be coming home, as happy as can be
He’ll be walkin’ through the door at ten minutes after nine
‘Cause the bus he takes each night is always right on time”

BUT then seemingly out of nowhere there’s a NEWS FLASH (which if you hear the song involves the world’s worst breaking news stinger). And the mood goes from festive and cozy to HORRIFYING:

[News Reporter]
“We’re sorry to interrupt this program, but a bulletin has just been handed me. There’s been a serious accident involving the number five bus out of New Haven. The only information we have is that the bus skidded on a patch of ice and slammed into a tree. Stay tuned to this station for further details”

If you’re wondering how this connects with the earlier part of the song…

[Son] Mommy isn’t that the bus Daddy rides each night

But Mommy isn’t phased…

[Mother]
Put your mind at ease my children, everything’s all right
Everyone don’t get excited, things will be okay
Nothing bad is gonna happen on this Christmas Day

So the children relax and start singing again as surely everything is alright, RIGHT?

RIGHT?!

[News Reporter]
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just been handed the latest report involving bus number five out of New Haven. And from all indications we’re sorry to report that there were no survivors

Uhhhhh….

[Mom]
Oh my god this just can’t happen what am I to do
What have I got left in life to look forward to
[Daughter] Who will walk me down the aisle on my wedding day
[Son] Who is gonna buy me toys and take me out to play

I need a minute guys…

 

*Doorbell rings*

 

What was that? Seriously? A solicitor on Christmas Eve? Take your steak knives or girl scout cookies and shove them in your…

[Children] DADDY! DADDY!

WHAT?! HOW?!?!?!

[Dad]
Merry Christmas everybody
I know it’s late and i missed my bus
Well don’t just stand there! Help me with these presents!

Oh thank God! Now we can go back to our holiday time revelry knowing that while many other families in our community are grieving our father’s lack of time management and general inconsistency saved OUR Christmas!

If you want to hear the song for yourself here it is. I promise you it lived up to the hype I have shrouded it in as THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER!!!

 

Jonathan Wier was born and raised in the Midwest and has loved radio since he was a little kid with crippling insomnia. He now happily finds himself in Boston doing mornings from 6-10am on Country 102.5. Jonathan likes to write personal stories about his family and travel.

And speaking of Christmas…

'Die Hard' Tops List of America's Favorite Christmas Movies

Is Die Hard a Christmas movie or not? Well, America has decided! In a new study of 100 of the U.S.’s top Christmas movies, including new releases, PlayStar has determined that the 1988 Bruce Willis flick is not only a Christmas movie but America’s favorite Christmas movie!

During their study, Playstar noted that as an overall trend, Americans tend to love seeing their own state in a wintery wonderland. Washington loves Sleepless in Seattle, Illinois hearts Home Alone (set in Chicago), Connecticut favors Christmas in Connecticut, Missouri unsurprisingly is enthused about Meet Me in St. Louis, and Minnesota goes for Jingle All the Way (filmed in the Twin Cities area).

Perhaps your state doesn’t have its own Christmas movie. You may subconsciously favor one that’s in the same region. For example, Vermont was also a big fan of Jingle All the Way. Several Southern states like Nevada, Texas, and Arizona loved Edward Scissorhands, which was filmed in Florida. What seems to separate northern or southern Christmas favorites seems to consider the climates related to your hometown. However, there were a few wildcard states whose favorite Christmas movies had nothing to do with the climate. For example, New Jersey and Pennsylvania were lovers of Jack Frost (which takes place in Colorado), while Florida’s top pick was Die Hard (which takes place in Los Angeles). There were several individual favorites by different states, such as Scrooged, Nightmare Before Christmas, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, and It’s a Wonderful Life! If anything, this research shows how many great movies are out there to love at Christmas time.

Ho Ho No You Don’t

As for the famous jolly faces of the holiday season, actors playing Santa fill big boots and even bigger beards to bring these beloved characters to life on the silver screen. By using data based on IMDB ratings, Google Trends, box office revenue, audience reviews, and net worth, the site ranked the most famous Santas. Tom Hanks took the top spot for his role in the much-debated animated Christmas film The Polar Express. Every year, folks argue online about how they either hate or love the 2004 movie. Despite how you personally feel about the film, it is impressive that Hanks voiced six different characters. Coming in second is Tim Allen’s role as Scott Calvin in The Santa Clause saga. David Harbour and Billy Bob Thornton tied for third place, for their respective roles in Violent Night and Bad Santa.

See below the top 10 festive films, using data from Google trends basing the rankings per the viewer and critic ratings sourced from IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes.

  • 10. Jack Frost

    IMDB Rating: 5.4
    Favorite in 2 states: New Jersey and Pennsylvania
    Rotten Tomatoes score: 19%

    The film starred Michael Keaton as the titular character. As a touring musician clinging to dreams of stardom, the aging rocker (Keaton) never had much time for his wife, Gabby (Kelly Preston), and young son, Charlie (Joseph Cross). A year after his tragic death in a car accident on Christmas Day, Charlie plays a mournful tune on his father’s harmonica. Much to his surprise, Jack Frost is magically brought to life as a snowman on the family lawn.

  • 9. Jingle All The Way

    IMDB Rating: 5.7
    Favorite in 2 states: Vermont and Minnesota
    Rotten Tomatoes score: 20%

    Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in this 1996 comedy film as workaholic Howard Langston. He wants to make things up to his son, Jamie (Jake Lloyd), and wife, Liz (Rita Wilson). He promises to get Jamie the hottest toy of the season, Turbo-Man — even though it’s Christmas Eve and the toy is practically sold out. As Langston hunts down the elusive gift, he runs into mailman Myron (Sinbad), another father on the same quest.

  • 8. The Holiday

    IMDB Rating: 6.9
    Favorite in 2 states: Massachusetts, Washington, D.C.
    Rotten Tomatoes score: 50%

    This 2006 rom-com stars Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, and Jack Black. Dumped and depressed, Iris (Winslet) agrees to swap homes with similarly unlucky-in-love Amanda (Diaz) for a much-needed break. Iris finds herself in a palatial Hollywood mansion while Amanda navigates the lanes of a picture-perfect English village. Soon enough, both lovelorn ladies bump into local lads perfect for a romantic pick-me-up.

  • 7. The Santa Clause

    IMDB Rating: 6.5
    Favorite in 2 states: Indiana, Tennessee
    Rotten Tomatoes score: 73%

    The 1994 film follows the story of divorced dad Scott (Tim Allen), who has custody of his son (Eric Lloyd) on Christmas Eve. After he accidentally kills a man in a Santa suit, they are magically transported to the North Pole, where an elf explains that Scott must take Santa’s place before the next Christmas arrives. Scott thinks he’s dreaming, but over the next several months, he gains weight and grows a big white beard.

  • 6. Christmas with the Kranks

    IMDB Rating: 5.4
    Favorite in 3 states: South Carolina, Alabama, Kentucky
    Rotten Tomatoes score: 5%

    Allen stars in another Christmas-themed film ten years after The Santa Clause. This time, he stars as Luther Krank, joined by his wife Nora Krank (Jamie Lee Curtis), who plans to skip the Christmas traditions and take a cruise in the Caribbean instead. This doesn’t sit well with their Christmas-obsessed neighbors Vic Frohmeyer (Dan Aykroyd) and Walt Scheel (M. Emmet Walsh), who are determined to win the annual “best decorated street” competition, and the Kranks soon find themselves social outcasts because of their lack of Christmas spirit.

  • 5. Elf

    IMDB Rating: 7.1
    Favorite in 3 states: Iowa, Nebraska, Ohio
    Rotten Tomatoes score: 86%

    In 2003, Will Ferrell set himself apart from all other live-action Christmas movies with a starring role as an elf. Ferrell plays Buddy, who was accidentally transported to the North Pole as a toddler and raised to adulthood among Santa’s elves. Unable to shake the feeling that he doesn’t fit in, the adult Buddy travels to New York, in full elf uniform, in search of his real father. His real father is Walter Hobbs (James Caan), a cynical businessman. After a DNA test proves this, Walter reluctantly attempts to start a relationship with the childlike Buddy with increasingly chaotic results.

  • 4. White Christmas

    IMDB Rating: 7.6
    Favorite in 3 states: Oregon, Utah, Wisconsin
    Rotten Tomatoes score: 77%

    This 1954 musical comedy stars Bob Wallace (Bing Crosby) and Phil Davis (Danny Kaye), who join sister act Betty (Rosemary Clooney) and Judy Haynes (Vera-Ellen) to perform a Christmas show in rural Vermont. There, they run into General Waverly (Dean Jagger), the boys’ commander in World War II, who they learn is having financial difficulties; his quaint country inn is failing. The foursome teams up to perform a yuletide miracle to get his business back with a fun-filled musical extravaganza.

  • 3. Edward Scissorhands

    IMDB Rating: 7.9
    Favorite in 4 states: California, Nevada, Arizona, Texas
    Rotten Tomatoes score: 89%

    Tim Burton’s 1990 fantasy romance film kicks off the top three. This film is another source of debates on whether it qualifies as a Christmas film. The last third of the movie centers around Peg’s (Diane West) annual Christmas party. One of the most memorable moments is when Winona Ryder’s Kim goes out into the backyard to find Edward making an angel ice sculpture, which creates a beautiful sprinkling of “snow.”

  • 2. Home Alone

    IMDB Rating: 7.7
    Favorite in 4 states: New York, North Carolina, Illinois, Michigan
    Rotten Tomatoes score: 67%

    The 1990 classic that put Macaulay Culkin on the map as one of the most iconic childhood actors in history takes the no. 2 spot on the list. What is so charming about this first installment is how Culkin’s bratty Kevin McCallister learns how much he loves his family, and how ingeniously he adapts to oncoming danger to protect his family home from con men (Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern) robbing the place.

  • 1. Die Hard

    IMDB Rating: 8.2
    Favorite in 8 states: North Dakota, Idaho, Kansas, Arkansas, Louisiana, Florida, Virginia, Maryland
    Rotten Tomatoes score: 94%

    Bruce Willis became a massive movie star with this 1988 action-thriller. Starring as New York City policeman John McClane, he joins his estranged wife at a holiday party in the headquarters of the Japanese-owned business she works for. But the festivities are interrupted by a group of terrorists who take over the exclusive high-rise, and everyone in it. McClane realizes that only he can save the hostages.

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