Bear Fighting?

Americans are a special group. We take pride in our independence, our ingenuity and apparently our skills at animal wildlife fightin’. I personally once woke up to the sight of a Grackle in my bedroom and ran face first into a wall trying to get away from it. But I’m a special kind of coward compared to most Americans apparently. And I know this because YouGov commissioned a poll and found that a lot of Americans think they could fight lions, tigers and bears. Oh my….GOD!

Are people insane?

I get thinking we could kick a rat’s butt (if you can find it) but bear fighting? That’s a level of confidence I couldn’t possess without the aid of head trauma and powerful Central American narcotics. Or maybe, without specifying the type of bear, people think, “Yeah, I could do that.” Like a bear cub? I might stand a chance until its mother turned me into pâté. Also maybe a smaller black bear that sometimes we have going through our trash in the northeast. I mean I’m not too strong but that’s just basically like fending off an over-sized raccoon.

Could you fight these animals?

Here are the animals from the yougov poll we think we could defeat in a fight. I ranked them in order of how many beers I’d  have to have to even think I’d stand a chance.

• Goose

  61% of Americans think they could take on a goose.

  Ok here’s the thing and don’t call PETA on me but I wouldn’t need any alcohol encouragement to take on a goose. I hate them. And they don’t frighten me. One day when I was walking my youngest son around the park a goose attacked us and I chased it into the lake, and I mean I actually went INTO the lake because I was so pissed. I hate these living Dinosaurs and their entitled, GIVE ME BREAD OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!!!, BS.

  Beers: 0

  via GIPHY

• Rat

  72% of Americans think they could beat up a rat.

  It’s a little depressing that 28% of people don’t think they could take on a rat. But I get it. I would actually be more squemish about fighting this dude than I would about fighting larger animals. They’re gross and just the idea of their cold little feet crawling up my leg gives my jeebies the heebies. However, as with most things in life if I had enough liquid courage I could at least put up a good fight.

  Beers: 2

  via GIPHY

• Eagle

  Only 30% of Americans think they could beat an eagle in a fight.

  Huge drop off for this one, and with good reason. An eagle? Like swooping down from the sky with razor talons and ripping your face off like it’s nothing? Yeah I’m not messing with an eagle. Not to mention even if you do win then you have to deal with the fact that most of them are an endangered species and your fight trophy will have to be delivered to jail.

  Beers: 4

  via GIPHY

• Chimp

  17% of Americans think they would win in a fight with a chimp

  I’m chalking this one up to confusing chimps with monkeys. Like yeah if it were a little Capuchin monkey that steals fruit for Alladin I could sqaure up and make a show of it. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about basically an animal with the strength of 3 men and the impulse control of a toddler. So, Gronk. Nope.

  Beers: 10

  

  (Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

• Kangaroo

  14% of Americans think they could beat a Kangaroo in a fight

  Again I’m chalking this one up to the 14% of people only seeing Kangaroos in cartoons with Bugs Bunny. Kangaroos are terrifying. In fact I might be talked into fighting a bear before a Kangaroo. Check out these stats: “Strong hind legs enable kangaroos to kick with a force of around 759 pounds. They punch with 275 pounds of force and have a powerful tail. They have a biting force of 975 PSI, which is the same as grizzly bears due to their powerful jaws.” So basically they can kick you, punch you and bite you. And they’re Australian so you know they’d make weird sounds while doing it.

  Beers: 17 Fosters

  via GIPHY

  

  (Photo by Paul Kane/Getty Images)

• Gorilla

  8% of Americans think they could fight a gorilla and win.

  Ok this is how you know people weren’t taking this poll seriously. If you’ve ever gone to the zoo and seen this guy:

  via GIPHY

  And thought: “Yeah but I took Tai Kwan Do in the 8th grade and his brute force is no match for my purple belt skills!” You’re out of what would be left of your mind after the gorilla showed it the light of day.

  Beers: 21 and at this point I wouldn’t be able to stand so the fight would be called.

• Grizzley Bear

  6% of Americans think they would win in a fight with a Grizzley Bear

  So earlier I said maybe if it was a cub or a smaller bear I’d have a chance. These idiots said they could fight a freacking Grizzley Bear and win. “Grizzly bears are among the most lethal creatures seen in the wild. They not only have superhuman physical strength, but they also have a powerful biting force (1,000 psi) that can split your body in half in a matter of seconds.”

  Beers: I would just keep drinking until I die of Alcohol poisoning. That would be better than being bitten in half and eaten like a prawn.

  via GIPHY

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