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Wicked Holiday Guide

Wicked Holiday Guide

Wicked Holiday Guide

This One Christmas Song Tops The List of The Worst Christmas Songs of All Time

Author Lauren Beckham Falcone

WORST CHRISTMAS SONG?

I’ve been vindicated by the AV Club!

They ranked 30 of the WORST Christmas songs of all time.

NewSong’s “The Christmas Shoes” tops a list of the WORST Christmas songs.  It’s followed by “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsyand “Dear Santa (Bring Me a Man This Christmas)” by The Weather Girls.

Yup, “The Christmas Shoes” is the ABSOLUTE WORST CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIME.

I’d fight Santa over it if he disagreed.

Which he wouldn’t.

Anyhoo.

It’s time to post my annual rant on the worst Christmas song of all time.

So we’re about two weeks away away from the Big Day. And what better time to reflect on Christmas music? After all, they’ve been playing in every store across the United States since September!

I have some opinions on the Songs o’ the Season

1.) I believe the earlier is better.

2.) More is more.

and 3.) Karen Carpenter had the voice of an angel (sorry, Josh Groban.)

Also, Kenny Loggin’s “Celebrate Me Home” is one of the better homages to the holiday, Yoko Ono ruins “So This Is Christmas” and Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” is the second worst Christmas song in the world.

The first?

“The Christmas Shoes.”

I know, I know. You love it. It’s soooo sweet and perfect and sums up the true meaning of the season.

Well, I’m here to tell you: you are wrong.

I heard this song in its entirety for the first time this weekend.

What’s that old expression about how you don’t know how much luck you have until it runs out?

Anyway.

This is the most confectionary, cavity-inducing piece of schlock (aside from “Sometimes When We Touch” by Dan Hill) ever recorded.

Also, it makes no sense.

Behold, the lyrics of “The Christmas Shoes” by Bob Carlisle, complete with (warning: very cynical) commentary.

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin’ to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood

(Well, at this point, Bob, who is?)

Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing ’round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

(OK, fine. I’ll bite.)

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe

(Dirty from head to toe? Note to shoppers. At this point, you should be gesturing to mall security.)

And when it came his time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard him say
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while

It’s Christmas Eve? Christmas EVE? And your mother is DYING? Jeez buddy, go home, take a shower and sit with your mom. Also, no kid knows his mom’s shoe size. Unless you are Rex Ryan’s kid.)

And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

OK, if your MOM has moments to live, you do not go shopping! And let me just pose this question: how in the name of Manolo Blahnik did this little shoe-buying urchin get to a mall anyway?

This little ditty is not based in any sort of reality. I’m two stanzas in and I’m already annoyed.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, “Son, there’s not enough here”

Stop right there. Just stop! This dirty, jumpy kid without a guardian just told you he’s buying a pair of his shoes for his mother – who has one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel – and you’re making him PAY? What in the name of Wal-Mart kind of customer service is this?

And what of you, Mr. Bob Carlisle?

Oh wait, our narrator steps in, but not before making the kid beg for it:

He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house

Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes
So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out

Way to make the soon-to-be motherless little guy sweat it out, dude. Nice.

I’ll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama’s gonna look so great

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

I took some confirmation classes and I don’t remember any psalms alluding to our Lord Savior’s fascination with shoes. Like the first thing Jesus is going to say is “OMG, love the open toes! And such a sensible heel. Fabulous!” Maybe He’s a fan of Carrie Bradshaw and her Sex and the City pals. Maybe it’s a Mary Magdelene thing. One thing I’m sure of? It’s weird.

I knew I’d caught a glimpse of heaven’s love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about.

Ah yes, Christmas is about fetishism, terminal illness and commercialism.

Happy Holidays!!

Also, this schlock was turned into a Made-For-The-Hallmark-Channel-Movie starring Rob Lowe. There are no words.

Lauren Beckham Falcone is the co-host of Bob & LBF in the Morning. Formerly an award-winning reporter and columnist for the Boston Herald, she credits her current success as a pop culture commentator to watching too much TV as a kid and scouring the internet too much as an adult. LBF is a regular contributor to NECN and is an honorary board member at the Massachusetts Down Syndrome Congress. Lauren lives in Canton with her husband Dave and her daughter Lucy. Lauren writes about trending topics, New England destinations, and seasonal DIY.

What Do These Old Timey Christmas Song Lyrics Actually Mean?

You can’t avoid it now. Christmas carols infiltrate our daily lives now. At the gas station, the supermarket, the dentist’s office, the sounds of the season are everywhere. And although, I’m a person who embraces the holidays and the music, I prefer to hear it closer to Christmas. Undoubtedly, the songs are fun to sing-a-long with. But what the heck are you singing? Haven’t you ever wondered what these old timey Christmas song lyrics actually mean? Here, you will find 6 Christmas song lyrics and their meaning.

You are about to find out the truth behind the songs and the lyrics. We all do it with songs of all kinds, we mindlessly sing along. But when you stop and think about what you are singing, that can change a song entirely for you.

Just the other day, had to look up the meaning of “yuletide.” It’s definition: Of or relating to the holiday season. So just for the falalala fun of it all, let’s troll the auld yuletide meanings of some other holiday headscratchers.https://country1025.com/wp-admin/edit.php

I enlisted some help from Merriam-Webster, Oxford English Dictionary, and a couple of other noted sources (below). Here are some of the most misunderstood and curious lyrics from Christmas songs.  Bottoms up with a cup of good cheer, my friends,  and please bring me some figgy pudding. Did you know figgy pudding is just mashed figs, cream, and bread, boiled?

What do these old timey Christmas song lyrics actually mean? Let’s decipher and learn together! And while we are at it, we can enjoy some of our favorite versions of the classic Christmas songs. Representing multiple genres of music, from big band to pop and country enjoy the songs in a whole new light, now that you will be able to understand what they are singing.

  • Bells on Bobtails

    Song: “Jingle Bells”

    “Bells on bobtails”- What the? Ok apparently this refers to the style of a horse’s tails. Think man-bun on a horse’s tail. It’s cut short or gathered up and tied in a knot.  I feel better already.

  • Don We Now Our Gay Apparel

    Song: “Deck The Halls” 

    “Don we now our gay apparel” – Don is not a guy. Don means to put on. Gay -meaning happy, bright, festive.  So in other words, if Don was to don his gay apparel, he is putting on his party clothes. That all makes perfect sense now.

  • Hop-A-long- Boots

    Song: “It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas” 

    “Hop-a-long boots”- I don’t know what they are, but I think I want a pair! They sound cool. I’m thinking swag looking leather boots on springs. However, the truth is, they refer to a fictional cowboy from the 1950’s “Holpalong Cassidy.”  And perhaps the boots he wore.  Ahh, now we know!

  • Troll The Ancient Yuletide Carol

    Song: “Deck The Halls”

    Another fun lyric from “Deck the Halls.” “Troll the ancient yuletide carol”  sounds scary, right? There isn’t a troll living at Carol’s house. Deep breath.  According to the Oxford English Dictionary, “troll” has been used since the 16th century, and can mean,  “to sing in a full, rolling voice; to chant merrily or jovially.” Think Elf and Buddy’s famous line, “The best way to spread Christmas cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.” You get the picture. Here’s another great version of the Christmas classic…

  • Pretend to be Parson Brown

    Song: “Winter Wonderland”

    “And pretend to be Parson Brown”- Dude must have been famous, right? Apparently it’s really a reference to a random minister of the time. The writer of this gem gave the minister a proper name, Brown. (Parson is a member of a clergy).

  • Auld Lang Syne

    Song: “Auld Lang Syne”

    Before the year is over, make sure you throw around this term as much as possible. Every time you toast to the season repeat these lyrics that feel like we are speaking in tongues, “Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And auld lang syne!” Wow, I never knew! And still don’t. Dictionary.com tells us it translates to “times long past.” Fun fact: “Auld Lang Syne” was first a Scottish poem. It was later put to music and voila! (According to Grammerly)

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Author Lauren Beckham Falcone
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