Jonathan Wier’s Tesla Stranded Him And Almost Got Him Arrested
Some of you are like me, you’ve had really bad luck with cars. For me that was due to being poor and not being able to afford cars that didn’t sporadically break down. But ever since I moved to Boston and bought a new car (A Tesla) that hasn’t been an issue. Until now.
Last night I was bored, decided to go on a run to Trader Joe’s and get some snacks for the family. When I pulled up there were only spots on the street and there was a giant van blocking a bunch of cars. I pulled up around it and parked. Before I went in the screen on my car said: “Tesla needs to do an update. Would you like to do it now or at 2am?”
OBVIOUSLY I picked “2am” I’m not an idiot.
Spoiler alert: I am an idiot.
When I came out of Trader Joe’s my car door didn’t open. Weird. I went on the app to unlock it, and it buffered for a minute but then unlocked. I got in and noticed the screen saying “Software Updating. DO NOT DRIVE!”
DUN DUN DUN
But, But BUT I hit 2 am! Oh well, how long could it take? 30 minutes? I sat there and listened to some podcasts and ate my snacks.
10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes went by…nothing. The update bar was visciously present but static. Unmoving. Just like MY STUPID CAR. But so what, time to fire up another football podcast and listen to people debating Patrick Mahomes vs Brock Purdy.
Then, to my horror, I heard a tap on the window. I looked over. It was a cop. He told me to roll down my window. I tried, but because the car had been updating, the battery had shut everything off. I told him, “I CAN’T ROLL DOWN MY WINDOW!!! IT’S STUCK!” He looked confused, he pulled his car over and got out and came over to me. Then he leaned over and said 7 words that made my heart stop.
“Sir, did you realize you were parked illegally?”
That was when I realized, I was PARKED ILLEGALLY! I was past the sign that said “No parking from here to curb.” I hadn’t seen it because of the stupid van blocking it when I pulled in.
“You have to move your car now!”
“I CAN’T, IT’S UPDATING!!!”
“WHAT?”
He looked in and saw what the screen said and said “WHY?!”
I said “I accidentally hit the button.”
He just looked at me and said “What were you, a freaking idiot?”
“YES!!!!” I screamed.
“OK, well you have 10 minutes for this update to finish and then I’ll have to have you towed.” Then he got in his car and drove off.
So I sat there praying to Bill Gates, Elon Musk, and Al Gore to please make the update go faster. Please make it go faster. PLEASE! But it wouldn’t budge. I called Katie, my wife, for emotional support.
She just laughed at me.
8 minutes went by. THE BAR STILL WOULD NOT NOT BUDGE.
9 minutes. Nothing. Ok maybe I would just leave the car here. He couldn’t tow it without me there, right?
9 minutes 30 seconds, the cop car pulls up behind me.
9 minutes 45 seconds he turns his lights on.
9 minutes and 50 seconds the cop is walking over to the window. I was ready to just give up. I would go back to riding a bike. I would buy a Vespa. I would make my 14 year old take me to work in a Rickshaw every morning before I would drive this stupid car again.
But then: DING DING DING
The car turned off and turned back on.
“Is it done?” The cop asked.
“YES!!! IT JUST FINISHED!” I yelled as I was putting it into drive.
“Ok, get out of here…idiot.”
It’s often said that people in New England aren’t nice, but they are kind. Calling me an idiot but letting me go without giving me a ticket is a great example of that.
